Database, or Baseless Data? by Ann Waterman   If you were to go through my mail on any given day, you would conclude that a very lively and dynamic woman just moved here. Based on the wealth of “welcome to the neighborhood” and “free trial” offers, you might conclude that she just bought her dream house and is busy setting it up. From the vast and diverse catalogs addressed to her, you’d surmise that she loves the outdoors and travels often, packing her backpack full of “sun n’ fun” wear. Based on the enormous stack of charity solicitations, you’d conclude that she is a generous person who donates frequently, and from the free address labels (showing the new address, of course) that she sends a lot of mail. And from the envelopes marked “Third Notice!” in bright and angry letters, you’d guess that she does have one failing: she doesn’t always pay her bills on time. Logical conclusions, based on the evidence? Well, the truth is that the addressee is my mother, who died more than six months ago. Needless to say, the “enjoy your new home!” junk mail strikes an odd chord. “To Be Ignored in English, Press 1 Now” Mom was never the outdoorsy type (other than ordering one gift online for her outdoorsy granddaughter), and she hadn’t traveled in decades (although she paid for her granddaughter’s plane fare to come and visit). She did give generously to many charities, although she never sent personal mail, and she always paid her bills promptly. However, the angry notices were for charges she never incurred, when my four frustrating months of 800-number calls were unsuccessful in closing her telephone and Internet accounts, long after her phone and computer had been removed, and her residence sold to someone else. Apparently, I started this onslaught when I had her mail forwarded to my address so that I could close out her affairs — or so I thought. What happened instead was that a new person, with her name, was born into hundreds of databases, along with much heartache and endless red tape. “Oh — You Said a Dog License?” With information comes information-sharing, and with information-sharing come databases. Databases are arguably both the best and the worst product of today’s technology. Development test results can be archived and searched so that the designer for project A doesn’t repeat the mistakes of the designer for project B. Pharmacists can instantly check prescription records to prevent a drug interaction mishap, even if the patient is hundreds of miles from home. And marketing profiteers can sell or share every bit of information about us, with or without our consent.   "Databases are arguably both the best and the worst product of today's technology." We are in databases, whether we’re alive, dead, human or house-pet. We’ve all seen the news stories about infants receiving credit cards, and dogs repeatedly summoned for jury duty. Of course, we know that there is little we can do without creating an electronic trail and getting mired in databases, but apparently it’s just as easy to get mired in them for doing nothing. Moreover, databases beget other databases, and they’re far more prolific than rabbits — but the data is bogus, with its base growing exponentially with each unjustified leap from the truth. What’s to be done? Oh, Right — “The Computer” “The computer did it!” has long been the excuse of companies who feel that it’s not cost effective to correct their own mistakes. However, most people are now well aware that computers don’t do anything unless some human programmed them that way, and that computers aren’t the ones driven by the compulsion to make a buck at any emotional cost. “The greed did it!” is far more accurate, and we can’t reprogram that. Yet we can turn the tide somewhat. Determination is the key, along with the willingness to make some noise. Here’s how to start. Refuse mail. (Yes, you can.) Take a waterproof marker, write “Refused” on the outside of unwanted and inappropriate mail, and put it back in your mailbox. Eventually, the senders will get wind of it and take the addressee off their list. NEVER order from a catalog unless you — and perhaps your dog — are willing to receive many more catalogs. Send inappropriate solicitations back in their own post-paid envelopes, without a stamp or a return address. Enclose their reply card marked, “Remove from all mailing lists immediately. Your immediate compliance is required by law.” (It probably is, depending on where you live. But even if not, it gets the point across.) Put all credit card offers through the shredder, and then call to remove yourself from pre-approved credit card lists. (In the U.S., the phone number is 1-888-567-8688.) This will also help protect you against identity theft. Fight numbers with numbers, and profit with loss. For example, after five months of pleading and attempting to appeal to the humanity of telecom behemoths, this script finally worked: “Please spell your name for me, and your supervisor’s. I want to make sure I get them right when I sell this story to all of the magazines catering to the elderly. I’m sure that many senior citizens will want to close their accounts with your company now, in order to spare their loved ones from this awful treatment later.” Within a few days, I received a phone call with an apology, and an account closure statement, followed shortly by a refund for overpayment … and a “free trial” offer addressed to my dog. — Ann Waterman   Copyright © 2005 by A.S. Waterman. All rights reserved.